Twitch - AKA John Rambo the Rage-Inducing Steamloller - by Rydog

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I: Introduction
Not all carries are created equal. Some are amazing wusses, like Ryze the One-Trick Pony, who races out to be a hero with his prison and subsequently dies like an idiot. Others, like Master Yi and Tryndamere, kill everyone ever just by looking at them. But they all quake in fear at the mere mention of Twitch, AKA John J. Rambo, who pops out of nowhere to gun entire teams down in four seconds flat with his big mother****ing crossbow bolts of death, much like his invincible namesake. If you want your enemies to scream obscenities at you in blind rage before posting the one-thousandth NERF TWITCH thread on the forums and throwing their monitors through a window -- all because you killed them 23 times in a row without a single death -- then John J. Rambo is the champion for you. You will make good teams seem invincible, and you will single-handedly carry terribad teams to victory. Once the steamloller gets going, no one and nothing can stop him.
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II: The Pre-Game
As far as masteries and runes go, your primary concern is to make big mother****ing crossbow bolts of death, and your secondary concern is to give our squishy John J. Rambo a bit of extra defense, as he goes down like a bum on a sandwich otherwise. Health, armor, and magic resist are all great for early-game staying power, and you've got plenty of good damage-dealing options. The specifics are yours to decide.

Summoner Spells:
Rally: A better heal than Heal, plus it makes your big mother****ing crossbow bolts of death bigger. Bigger mother****ing crossbow bolts of death equal more killing, more killing equals more winning, and more winning equals more internet ragenauts foaming at the mouth and making increasingly stupid mistakes, thus perpetuating the cycle in your favor. It can make a significant difference in team fights, too. In fact, if you spec in the Offensive tree (which you **** well better, if you're doing this right), take Improved Rally for even more epic steamlolling.
Cleanse: Shut up -- it still kicks plenty of ass post-nerf. It's absolutely essential for escaping ganks during those times when Ambush isn't up, for pulling a triple kill out of a mid-Spray and Pray stunlock (if you're dying, you're sure as hell taking people with you), and for extra insurance against smarties who invest in anti-stealth items.

III: Implements of Death
Step 1: Use your cheddar wisely, and buy Doran's Shield and a health potion. This, combined with Rally and your pro rune/mastery selection, gives John J. Rambo some excellent early-game survivability. If you're good, and you use all your tools wisely, you can usually start ganking your lane enemy by level 3 at the latest.

Step 2: You should be able to harass (and likely kill) your opponent long enough to save up for two Avarice Blades and level 1 boots (Boots of Speed). Avarice Blades mean bigger mother****ing crossbow bolts of death AND more cheddar, which will speed you along to the all-important Infinity Edge, where the real bloodbath begins.

Super Fun Optional Step 2.5: If your team's really dominating and you're a fit and well-fed John J. Rambo, get yourself a Sword of the Occult while you work on your Infinity Edge. Nothing says torture quite like a rapidly snowballing crit damage %.

Step 3: Sell Doran's Shield, get your Infinity Edge, and pick up a Vampiric Scepter if you've got enough leftover cheddar. The Infinity Edge makes your crits bigger and badder -- by now, your enemies should start scattering in sheer terror at the mere sight of you, preferably as you gun them down with purple bolts from halfway across the map like a true John J. Rambo. The lifesteal keeps you healthy, and lets you stay up just a little bit longer so that you can pop Expunge and take four people down with you in a bloody blaze of steamlolling glory.

Step 4: Mercury's Treads or Ninja Tabi, depending on what sort of protection you need more of. I usually go with Treads, because CC reduction is wonderful. Some people are probably gonna ***** and whine about this being so far down on the list, but they can all shut the hell up. John J. Rambo don't need to run, because John J. Rambo only gets into fights he can win (thanks to Ambush, good map awareness, and all those big mother****ing crossbow bolts of death).

Step 5: Build a Bloodthirster and go murder everyone until they ragequit. At this point, you can do whatever you want -- if the game lasts this long, I usually fill my last slot with a Black Cleaver, and then replace the Avarice Blades with a Phantom Dancer and a Last Whisper or Tiamat. You won't even need to push buttons anymore; you'll just right-click to kill, with optional "Push E and/or R to Win."

IV: Steamlolling Skills
You want enough ranks of Ambush to travel undetected through the jungle and get the drop on clueless morons; after that, your primary goal is to max Expunge and Spray and Pray, as that's how you'll carry out most of your remorseless steamlolling. Debilitating Poison's not worth taking until mid-level, when you have the mana and the damage output to capitalize on it. If you're partnered up in one of the side lanes, you might want to take Expunge first if you think you and your lane mate can score a fast pre-creep kill. Once you hit 9 and max out Expunge, you can do as you please.

1) Ambush
2) Expunge
3) Expunge
4) Ambush
5) Expunge
6) Spray and Pray
7) Debilitating Poison
8) Expunge
9) Expunge
10) Ambush
11) Spray and Pray
12) Debilitating Poison
13) Debilitating Poison
14) Debilitating Poison
15) Debilitating Poison
16) Spray and Pray
17) Ambush
18) Ambush

V: First Blood (Early Game)
First things first: Good John J. Rambos pay attention to the opposing team's setup during the loading screen. Make special note of anyone who has Exhaust, as you don't want to get caught by those *******s unawares. You should also keep tabs on which of your likely lane enemies carry Heal, as that's valuable information when you're going for early-game kills. You don't want your would-be victim popping his Heal and then just barely killing you, now do you?

When the game starts, try to claim a solo lane. John J. Rambo excels at soloing mid, though he's not bad with a partner either -- just so long as you're giving mid up to another game-winning solo like Yi, Sivir, or Cho'Gath. I like to start off by hustling to the grass and popping Ambush as the first creep wave shows up, then sauntering up to my opponent and plugging him a few times. This immediately establishes that you are not to be ****ed with, and if you've done a good job with your pre-game setup, this opening volley will inflict enough damage to make them think twice about entering your auto-attack range again. Always keep an eye on your enemy's items -- especially health potions. Your goal is to get them to pop all their healing abilities as soon as possible.

With any luck, it should only take two or three creep waves to teach your opponent that he'd better cling to his tower like a terrified child anytime he can't see you. At this point, one of two things will occur: He'll tower-hug all day, thus allowing you to push the lane for free...or he'll muster some foolish bravado and attempt to press onward, which is exactly what you want. When this happens (and if you stay out of sight for long enough, it will), stealth behind the dumbass and fill him with big mother****ing crossbow bolts of death, then Expunge him to the land of black-and-white (optionally, you should throw down a Rally if you sense it'll be a close fight). Once you've fed your opponent's ********s to him once or twice, you can recall back to the shop to pick up an Avarice Blade or two...while your scared-senseless enemy cowers next to his tower, since he can't see you. Well, either that, or he starts foolishly pushing again, in which case you rinse and repeat for as long as he'll let you. Once you get Spray and Pray, unload it on the tower whenever you have an opening, and keep at it until the tower falls. Remember that you can out-range towers with John J. Rambo's ult; this becomes especially important later on.

Special word of warning: Be careful if you're up against an aggressive and capable pusher like Singed, Teemo, or Sivir. Singed can end you quickly and unexpectedly with his throw, and Teemo can shut you down pretty hard with his blind (good thing you took Cleanse) and insane poison. Sivir's only as good as her aim, though; if you can consistently sidestep and/or out-range her skillshot, her day shouldn't be that hard to ruin. In any case, your first rank of Spray and Pray makes for an excellent lane-clearing GTFO maneuver if you're getting pushed too hard, and it's virtually guaranteed to send your enemy running to perceived safety.

At various points during your thorough lane domination, your enemy's teammates will probably try to gank you. A good John J. Rambo pays attention to the mini-map and scoreboard at all times, and knows when a gank is incoming. You generally shouldn't push your luck early-on versus multiple opponents, but again, Spray and Pray is a quick and easy way to signal that they need to get the **** back. If you have good teammates, the ganker's absence will allow them to push hard and force your lane into solo mode again; otherwise, call a friend in and coordinate an Ambush/Debilitating Poison-powered reverse-gank of your own. Carries and casters should be your preferred targets; never gun for the tank when you can kill his carry friend instead. Whatever the case, if you do it properly, your opponents should once again be reduced to tower-hugging *****es, which is just the way John J. Rambo likes it.

Sometimes, an enemy will get smart and buy a vision ward to counter your invisibility. We can't have that, so if you notice a ward in his inventory (since you are, again, paying careful attention to scoreboards and item loadouts), stealth near the middle of the lane, and unload your ult on the ward as soon as it goes down, before its invisibility kicks in. Presto! 150 wasted gold. If you can't bring it down in time, go ahead and buy your own ward -- if you're both fighting to keep wards up, it's a battle John J. Rambo will almost always win. Pay attention to the ward's placement, too; if your opponent plants it too far up, you can just sneak up behind him and punish him with a heaping helping of big mother****ing crossbow bolts of death.

Oh, and you should treat anyone with an Oracle's Elixir like a big-ass target -- coordinate with teammates to make them pay dearly for that 400-gold waste.

So, if you're on top of your game, you should have a tower down, you should be well-fed with at least two or three kills to your name, and you should be well on your way toward building an Infinity Edge. With your lane secure and pushed, start coordinating ganks in other lanes. Gun down some jungle creeps for red and blue runes, see who needs the most help, use your teammates as bait, jump out of the bushes, pop Debilitating Poison, and Expunge those poor *******s until they've given you enough cheddar for your next big purchase. Remember: A good early game means a killer late game.

VI: Rambo: First Blood Part II (Late Game)
Assuming your teammates are halfway decent and you've scored a few kills, the game is over the minute you hit level 11 and get your Infinity Edge. Your second rank of Spray and Pray turns you into a machine-gunning, steamlolling menace, and the Infinity Edge makes your crits hit much harder. From here on out, you're a roving, invisible AoE death cone on a 75-second cooldown. Your main job is to help push every single tower on the map, since you can rip them apart faster than any champion this side of Master Yi, and you can do it without fear of tower aggro.

Your secondary job is to kill every champion you run across with Expunge, and rack up more kills than the entire enemy team combined. You can pretty much just ignore creeps (thanks to your dual Avarice Blades) and focus exclusively on stalking players. If the enemy team hasn't yet mobilized into a five-man gank squad, you'll have a field day picking off solo farmers. I try to identify the weakest links and kill them relentlessly and repeatedly, which serves the dual purpose of farming John J. Rambo up right good, and enraging the guilty feeder (and likely his entire team), ideally to the point of prompting a ragequit and swinging the game even more drastically in your favor. If you're playing a Sword of the Occult game, this is even more satisfying.

Once the five-man team fights start, you should begin exercising some discretion. Like I said earlier, John J. Rambo only gets into fights he can win. You don't want to engage multiple enemies alone, you don't want to engage beefy tanks, and you want to avoid engaging from less than max range whenever possible. You also want to avoid getting your hands dirty when Cleanse is on cooldown, because it can make all the difference in a close fight. A dead John J. Rambo is a useless John J. Rambo, unless he takes four opponents down with him -- which, for our purposes, falls squarely into the "fights he can win" category.

The key to this is smart positioning: When a team fight erupts, park yourself in an opportune spot (far enough away to give yourself an avenue of escape, but close enough to pepper as many people as possible with big mother****ing crossbow bolts of death) and keep yourself hidden until everyone's committed to their targets. When the moment's right (this obviously works on instinct, which a good John J. Rambo will quickly develop), unload, then hit Expunge when you see those red health bars plummet. If you're good enough and beefy enough, you can take down half the enemy team before they get the chance to focus-fire you, and if you go down, you'll do so while sealing a numerical advantage. Make sure to prioritize carries like Yi and Tryndamere above all else, and learn when to run if things go south for your team. John J. Rambo does not concern himself with bravery or cowardice, only death and frustration.

And nothing says frustration like backdooring towers and inhibitors from stealth in five seconds flat, which -- again -- is John J. Rambo's late-game specialty, especially if the rest of your team is struggling. He's called a carry for a reason, folks. Eventually, you'll invade the enemy base, where you'll wave your Bloodthirster around like a feather-duster, casually murdering anyone within reach. For added steamlolling fun, yell "MY BASE" in /all chat as you score a quadrakill and drop their nexus towers. It's funny because it's true.

VII: Rambo III: Chronologically Confused (Q&A)
Q: Wow, isn't Twitch pretty OP if he can single-handedly win games like this?
A: No, perhaps you don't understand the definition of a carry. If you allow John J. Rambo to murder everyone and get fat and win the war himself, it's your own **** fault for not putting your best curb-stomping foot forward. 

Q: Don't anti-invisibility items make stealth characters useless?
A: John J. Rambo is a steamlolling menace with or without Ambush. Half his game relies on positioning, and he's a beast in team fights whether you see him coming or not. Not to mention the fact that a good team will treat anyone with an Oracle's Elixir as a big walking target, and rightly so. Stealth detection items are definitely a deterrent -- and, quite honestly, a royal pain when used well -- but they're not insurmountable.

Q: Durp durp Avarice Blades aren't real items, l2play newb!!!1!11
A: Go back to Driving Miss Daisy. Big crits mean big mother****ing crossbow bolts of death, and the ability to basically ignore creeps and make cheddar off of your items and your psychotic rampages is a nice one. The dual Avarice Blades let you get big and mean before everybody else.

Q: Twitch takes no skill to win with, why don't you learn a non-noobcharacter?
A: Yeah, you can go right to hell. John J. Rambo takes finesse to play well, just like any other champion; if you can't quickly size up fights and position yourself well (and it takes a bit of practice), you'll be taking plenty of dirt naps no matter how much damage you can pump out. Maybe you should quit complaining about the perceived ease by which John J. Rambo won, and think more about why you got steamlolled and how to avoid the same mistakes in future games.

VIII: Rambo (Special Thanks)
Qtips: John J. Rambo-exclusive, Top 10 ELO player, whose item build greatly informed this guide.
condon: Epic and hilarious guide-writer, whose format I shamelessly copied.
TheHeretic: His Playing to be Evil guide is useful, must-read material.
John J. Rambo: For the steamlols.

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