I heard a lot of people saying that Taric was a ”healer” and ”a support champion” so I took a very steamy and hot look at his skin and noticed the instrument he used for murder; a hammer made out of diamonds. ****ing diamonds.
Anyways so I was in a game, playing Taric, when I encountered the other teams ***** ass Taric, the first item he had bought was a mana manipulator, what the ass was that? I automatically came to the conlusion that he was going to be the teams heal ***** and that ****ing enraged me beyond no end so that made me go on the offensive. So that weak ****ing sissy comes down to my lane and stuns my team mate and Teemo started to wail on him as well. Over my ****ing dead body that bull**** was going to fly. Combined with my Dazzle and Shatter and a lack of the worst ****ing skill in the game, i rolled on in there, bang bang mother****ing hammer slam and walked off with a ****ing double kill. So that was where I got the idea to play the most manly champion in the most manly way, presented by yours truly; Cake.
-----Skills
Gemcraft:
Because this badass is so ****ing fabulous he just loves to put gems into his ****ing diamond hammer of death. 7.5% of damage done on each attack replenishing your mana? **** yes! This just means your ultimate can stay on longer hence making you ball out of control for even longer. Maybe one of the best passives in the game, maybe even one of the passives in DotA, and gem knight is not even in DotA, ****.
[q] Imbue:
This is the ****ty ability that makes people think that Taric is supposed to heal people, well, its not. This ability was made to be ignored, like Kassadin’s nether blades. Real men attack the carry with less than 20% life, and you don't ****ing need more health, so **** this skill. ****, if you really need too; ignore it all you can, never investing any points in it at all, even when you're 18, it wants it, it enjoys being ignored. This skill is like that guy in public toilets who always looks your way to see your manly stubble in full view; you don't want to associate yourself with it, ever.
[w] Shatter:
This is the ****ing ****, armor and damage? Holy ****ing ****ting red fox, looks at this skill. I have no idea why riot hasn't nerfed this skill, ****, i don't understand why it's still in the game.
Anyways, this skill is awesome for some early game harass on ***** ass people who think they can sneak up on the Taric-machine. It also provides burst late game, making it totally legit.
[e] Dazzle:
This ability makes me kind of awkward talking about it. My pants always tighten when i use it on an ignorant Ashe or a stupid ass Teemo. Like, holy pickles is this skill op, it's ranged, it's a stun and it deals ****ing damage. I just can't go on, anyways, this skill can probably do anything, steal kills, stun people, spike damage, escaping and chasing. Holy hell.
[r] Radiance:
The **** is this? 80% extra damage at max level, roast me over a stone hedge, this skill is balling out of ****ing control, it also says something about giving you allies some bull**** but **** that, this skill is for personal use, that is, when you're going to rape some face. Your teammates are probably pussies who goes all ”oh that Taric is going to give me some nice heals”, **** that, activate this ability and smash in their face too, ****ers.
So basically: R > E > W. That’s like REW, which probably means something totally baller. All in all, Imbue is probably only there to balance out the awesome that is R > E> W because otherwise Taric’s hammer would be no mere diamond hammer anymore, it would have the color of deep ****ing crimson.
-----Summoner spells
Exhaust: Always get this skill on Taric. Since every god**** champion on the field is probably going to be ****ting their pants when you hit level 6. They'll instantly run away like sissies upon the sight of Taric's mighty hammer of diamond vengeance so that's why you need this skill, to ****ing bring down the justice upon those who resist the banking of your mallet.
Flash: Some ******s like to use this skill to run away, or as they say it ”flee”, but fleeing is for sissies. Only use this skill to chase people to far away, since, as i addressed, they'll be running for their virtual lives.
When you're in range use your stun and execute then with a volley of hammer smashes that sends them right back to where they belong, the spawn.
Fortify: This is the most ****ing ***** spell in the entire ****ing game, who gives a **** about the towers, Taric is 10 times more powerful than a tower, and he can move, he's like a turret with legs, and a mallet. I've seen some scrub Tarics' using this piece of ****. Don't misunderstand, you are not a ”defender”, Riot are spreading these rumors to suppress the mighty Taric’s full potential.
-----Items
After having a look at what Taric could possibly do, except being support because everyone knows that healing and keeping the team alive is for ****ing pussys, i came to the conclusion that attack speed is the key. I mean ****, combined with his passive you can keep your ultimate on and just ball out of control, it's ****ing insane.
Malady: 15% life steal is pretty mediocre but holy ****ing hell 50% attack speed. This is definitely the **** you are looking for, not to mention the passive it grants. You should get this first as it makes you hardcore.
Sword of the divine: 55% attack speed, **** yes! Every fourth attack you will be doing an extra 100 magical damage, combined with malady this item is ****ing amazing. **** the active though, i went though a whole game without using this **** because it's too hard to press any other buttons bar right click.
Last Whisper: +20 attack damage is nice but no where near as good as the 40% attack speed it gives, ****ing hell. The passive is alright but if it added attack speed it'd be ten times as good but still a solid choice of item. This item also only costs ****ing 2000 gold, that’s like nothing, i could buy a coke for that ****, get this item, e v e r y t i m e.
Stark's Fervor: Jesus ****ing christ. A base 20% attack speed and a 25% attack speed aura, that's 45% attack ****ing speed, you need this ****ing item. The life steal and armor reduction is nice but meh, the attack speed is where it's at, it also has the most baller icon in the game, **** yes.
Phantom Dancer: Mother of ****ing god, this item was made for Taric. 45% attack speed, 30% crit, 20% dodge chance and 12% move speed. ****ing attack speed, crit, dodge and move speed. This item will make you rape face like a ****ing boss, with this you will be indestructible.
Berserker's Greaves: Attack speed boots, get these last. I mean ****; with the items above you won't even need these until late game. This could possibly be why i died a couple of times or it could have been my team being terrible and not just punching the **** on like a bunch of bosses. But who can blame them, not everyone can be Taric in the same game.
-----Early game strategy:
Farm, farm, farm. You're going to need gold to buy the items that make you into a ****ing manly killing machine of death. Or you could just be like me; rush malady, run around slamming your hammer into every mother ****ers face and getting gold that way. This is the way Taric's meant to be played but it's somewhat hard. People will see you and just ****ing run, mainly because of how much you ****ing hurt them with your hammer and because of how ****ing fabulous you are.
-----Mid game strategy:
Oh **** yes, this part of the game is baller. Providing you played Taric like he's meant to be played (like a ****ing beastly monster who never ****ing dies) you'll have some of the items you need and you'll be dishing out damage like the ****ing crosses in a church. Proceed to run around ganking and picking up neutral kills when your shatter is available. Remember, when fighting those pussys who call themselves enemies, turn on your ultimate and just ****ing hit them, hit them like there's no tomorrow, because there isn't
-----Late game strategy:
Okay, this is the time when you ****ing shine like the badass gem knight you truly are. With the items given, don't be afraid to just run into a full enemy team and beat the living **** out of them. You will win and quite easily at that. Just run around wailing on those miserable ****ers on the other team with your mighty hammer of ****ing death. At this point of the game you've practically won, since no one can beat Taric now. When you have all of your items, you can just proceed to run around in the enemy base and kill people like it's Stalingrad all over again.
Do this and win every game you ever play!
Anyways so I was in a game, playing Taric, when I encountered the other teams ***** ass Taric, the first item he had bought was a mana manipulator, what the ass was that? I automatically came to the conlusion that he was going to be the teams heal ***** and that ****ing enraged me beyond no end so that made me go on the offensive. So that weak ****ing sissy comes down to my lane and stuns my team mate and Teemo started to wail on him as well. Over my ****ing dead body that bull**** was going to fly. Combined with my Dazzle and Shatter and a lack of the worst ****ing skill in the game, i rolled on in there, bang bang mother****ing hammer slam and walked off with a ****ing double kill. So that was where I got the idea to play the most manly champion in the most manly way, presented by yours truly; Cake.
-----Skills
Gemcraft:
Because this badass is so ****ing fabulous he just loves to put gems into his ****ing diamond hammer of death. 7.5% of damage done on each attack replenishing your mana? **** yes! This just means your ultimate can stay on longer hence making you ball out of control for even longer. Maybe one of the best passives in the game, maybe even one of the passives in DotA, and gem knight is not even in DotA, ****.
[q] Imbue:
This is the ****ty ability that makes people think that Taric is supposed to heal people, well, its not. This ability was made to be ignored, like Kassadin’s nether blades. Real men attack the carry with less than 20% life, and you don't ****ing need more health, so **** this skill. ****, if you really need too; ignore it all you can, never investing any points in it at all, even when you're 18, it wants it, it enjoys being ignored. This skill is like that guy in public toilets who always looks your way to see your manly stubble in full view; you don't want to associate yourself with it, ever.
[w] Shatter:
This is the ****ing ****, armor and damage? Holy ****ing ****ting red fox, looks at this skill. I have no idea why riot hasn't nerfed this skill, ****, i don't understand why it's still in the game.
Anyways, this skill is awesome for some early game harass on ***** ass people who think they can sneak up on the Taric-machine. It also provides burst late game, making it totally legit.
[e] Dazzle:
This ability makes me kind of awkward talking about it. My pants always tighten when i use it on an ignorant Ashe or a stupid ass Teemo. Like, holy pickles is this skill op, it's ranged, it's a stun and it deals ****ing damage. I just can't go on, anyways, this skill can probably do anything, steal kills, stun people, spike damage, escaping and chasing. Holy hell.
[r] Radiance:
The **** is this? 80% extra damage at max level, roast me over a stone hedge, this skill is balling out of ****ing control, it also says something about giving you allies some bull**** but **** that, this skill is for personal use, that is, when you're going to rape some face. Your teammates are probably pussies who goes all ”oh that Taric is going to give me some nice heals”, **** that, activate this ability and smash in their face too, ****ers.
So basically: R > E > W. That’s like REW, which probably means something totally baller. All in all, Imbue is probably only there to balance out the awesome that is R > E> W because otherwise Taric’s hammer would be no mere diamond hammer anymore, it would have the color of deep ****ing crimson.
-----Summoner spells
Exhaust: Always get this skill on Taric. Since every god**** champion on the field is probably going to be ****ting their pants when you hit level 6. They'll instantly run away like sissies upon the sight of Taric's mighty hammer of diamond vengeance so that's why you need this skill, to ****ing bring down the justice upon those who resist the banking of your mallet.
Flash: Some ******s like to use this skill to run away, or as they say it ”flee”, but fleeing is for sissies. Only use this skill to chase people to far away, since, as i addressed, they'll be running for their virtual lives.
When you're in range use your stun and execute then with a volley of hammer smashes that sends them right back to where they belong, the spawn.
Fortify: This is the most ****ing ***** spell in the entire ****ing game, who gives a **** about the towers, Taric is 10 times more powerful than a tower, and he can move, he's like a turret with legs, and a mallet. I've seen some scrub Tarics' using this piece of ****. Don't misunderstand, you are not a ”defender”, Riot are spreading these rumors to suppress the mighty Taric’s full potential.
-----Items
After having a look at what Taric could possibly do, except being support because everyone knows that healing and keeping the team alive is for ****ing pussys, i came to the conclusion that attack speed is the key. I mean ****, combined with his passive you can keep your ultimate on and just ball out of control, it's ****ing insane.
Malady: 15% life steal is pretty mediocre but holy ****ing hell 50% attack speed. This is definitely the **** you are looking for, not to mention the passive it grants. You should get this first as it makes you hardcore.
Sword of the divine: 55% attack speed, **** yes! Every fourth attack you will be doing an extra 100 magical damage, combined with malady this item is ****ing amazing. **** the active though, i went though a whole game without using this **** because it's too hard to press any other buttons bar right click.
Last Whisper: +20 attack damage is nice but no where near as good as the 40% attack speed it gives, ****ing hell. The passive is alright but if it added attack speed it'd be ten times as good but still a solid choice of item. This item also only costs ****ing 2000 gold, that’s like nothing, i could buy a coke for that ****, get this item, e v e r y t i m e.
Stark's Fervor: Jesus ****ing christ. A base 20% attack speed and a 25% attack speed aura, that's 45% attack ****ing speed, you need this ****ing item. The life steal and armor reduction is nice but meh, the attack speed is where it's at, it also has the most baller icon in the game, **** yes.
Phantom Dancer: Mother of ****ing god, this item was made for Taric. 45% attack speed, 30% crit, 20% dodge chance and 12% move speed. ****ing attack speed, crit, dodge and move speed. This item will make you rape face like a ****ing boss, with this you will be indestructible.
Berserker's Greaves: Attack speed boots, get these last. I mean ****; with the items above you won't even need these until late game. This could possibly be why i died a couple of times or it could have been my team being terrible and not just punching the **** on like a bunch of bosses. But who can blame them, not everyone can be Taric in the same game.
-----Early game strategy:
Farm, farm, farm. You're going to need gold to buy the items that make you into a ****ing manly killing machine of death. Or you could just be like me; rush malady, run around slamming your hammer into every mother ****ers face and getting gold that way. This is the way Taric's meant to be played but it's somewhat hard. People will see you and just ****ing run, mainly because of how much you ****ing hurt them with your hammer and because of how ****ing fabulous you are.
-----Mid game strategy:
Oh **** yes, this part of the game is baller. Providing you played Taric like he's meant to be played (like a ****ing beastly monster who never ****ing dies) you'll have some of the items you need and you'll be dishing out damage like the ****ing crosses in a church. Proceed to run around ganking and picking up neutral kills when your shatter is available. Remember, when fighting those pussys who call themselves enemies, turn on your ultimate and just ****ing hit them, hit them like there's no tomorrow, because there isn't
-----Late game strategy:
Okay, this is the time when you ****ing shine like the badass gem knight you truly are. With the items given, don't be afraid to just run into a full enemy team and beat the living **** out of them. You will win and quite easily at that. Just run around wailing on those miserable ****ers on the other team with your mighty hammer of ****ing death. At this point of the game you've practically won, since no one can beat Taric now. When you have all of your items, you can just proceed to run around in the enemy base and kill people like it's Stalingrad all over again.
Do this and win every game you ever play!
